A Week In The Life of Agnes Nitt
by duchess-susan
Summary: The diary of everyone's favourite girl with two minds. As always with my Agnes fics Vlad shows up-sorry, I'm obsessed.


**No, I am not Terry Pratchett and I don't own the Discworld or its characters. Just a 1000 word one-shot about Agnes Nitt (and Perdita) that iamsusan's 'Royal Logbook of Lancre' gave me the idea for (so thanks).**

How are you supposed to start these things anyway-_try dear diary stupid-_THANK YOU PERDITA-_not a problem, I think I'll like this._

Anyway, before I interrupted myself I was going to say that I thought I'd start a diary. Because if Perdita _X Dream. _Let me finish-is just a place to store all the thoughts I wish to avoid then why can't I substitute something else-_because I am unique. _So I'm using this diary to document them instead. _As well as. _

Unfortunately Perdita is quite strong in my left arm these days. And she's found a pen. _I'm not entirely stupid. You NEED me. _Of course I don't. What I really need is-_a man?-_No-_not any more chocolate, I beg you-_NO. I need a body without YOU. _Oh that's gratitude for you. _WHY SHOULD I BE GRATEFUL? _Because I got you into lots of interesting situations. _Are you talking about Vlad? _Yes. _That wasn't interesting that was SCARY. _We both enjoyed it so don't complain to ME._

Look, I'm ignoring myself now. So...

Monday 1st Grune

Today was normal for a witch-_that means boring-_not necessarily-_oh so tell the diary how many stupid people you have cured of various and usually self-inflicted ailments today. _Seven. _Ah so you admit it! _You know that wasn't what I meant. Other than that not much else happened. _You thought about Vlad alot, I know that. _I DIDN'T. _Did. _Well alright, maybe once or twice fancy waistcoats and fangs crossed my mind but that was ALL. _Yeah. And I'm the load of chocolate. How many times did you think of Oats then? _Well...I think that, maybe..._None. I should know. Don't get me wrong, I think it's a good thing. You never know. Vlad could return. _He won't. Happy endings don't happen to anyone in this body.

There's a coven meeting tomorrow and I'm scared that somehow Granny will know about this diary. She doesn't really agree with the written word for 'frivolities' like this. She's very good at borrowing. I've seen quite a few magpies around the cottage. I'd hate to think one of those was her. _More likely Vlad. _Right that's it for today. I'm sick of Perdita interrupting. _How can I interrupt in writing? _If anyone can manage it you can. _Oh, just becau-_

Tuesday 2nd Grune

Coven meeting today. Magrat turned up, although she knows there should only be three witches. _Silly cow. A queen and she still wants to pour the tea. Well she's got maids for that now. _That was horrible, Perdita. _But true. _Shut up.

Anyway Magrat tried to do all of my jobs, until Granny told her it wasn't her place. Then Nanny made some stupid comment about how it might be her place again soon, whilst looking pointedly at me. _That's because in Nanny's mind you should be with Vla-_Give it up! _You're just frightened he might return because you have no idea how to act around men and you're scared of how much you want him. _I have discovered hell. It is being the load of chocolate in a thin girl's body.

Wednesday 3rd Grune

Perdita is very happy. I'm not. I probably shouldn't have ignored her when she mentioned how many magpies have been around lately.I thought she was just being annoying, as normal.

Vlad's back. _Isn't it fabulous? _No, it isn't. _Oh, but it is. _For you maybe, but it's my neck on the line. I should probably start from the beginning. He appeared this morning. He apparently intends to make a fresh start. I don't believe him. _I don't care. _DO YOU WANT TO BE EVIL? _If it means being thin, yes. Do try to keep your temper, you go all blotchy when you're angry. _He made his little speech about how he was different now, how we could be different now, then he bowed and said he would see me tomorrow. _I can't wait. _I can.

Thursday 4th Grune

Another day another visit from an-_amorous-_annoying vampire. _Oh, you love it really. _I wish you would stop saying things like that. _Why are you so scared of the truth? Why can't you ever just enjoy yourself? _Because you're ALWAYS there. _Oh, sorry for thinking. _

ANYWAY Vlad really seems to be making an effort this time. He bought roses. _So romantic. _I'll admit it was quite sweet but he is still a slimy bloodsucker. _He called us darling! _Only to try and charm us. _Well it worked. _Not on me. So that's only a fifty per cent success rate. _Excuse me, I am FAR less than fifty per cent if this body. _Can't you stop making nasty comments? _What about you? Why should you be so horrible about Vlad, when all he's ever done is dared to be attracted to us? _I refuse to have this conversation with myself. _Coward._

Friday 5th Grune

The other witches know about Vlad's return. They don't seem bothered by it. _Good. _They just keep raising their eyebrows at me whenever they see me. Why can't they overact and throw a stake through him?

Saturday 6th Grune

Woke up. Spotted necklace on the bedside table. It's very over the top. _Tasteful. _Look I don't call a whole mine's full of diamonds tasteful. _No you just go weak at the knees. _Alright, so I appreciate jewellery. What's wrong with that? _Nothing. You were the one who was making out there was something wrong about it all. _There was no note, but there was another rose.

Sunday 7th Grune

Apparently the necklace came with matching earrings. _They sparkle like the night sky. _As you can tell Perdita is in a romantic frame of mind. _Not as romantic as Vlad. _Oh, so I suppose you're referring to the note he left. It was only one word! _Yes, but that word was 'beloved'. _

Octeday 8th Grune

Things have got out of hand. Today he turned up in person. With a diamond ring. I believe I am now engaged to a vampire. _It's so cool. _It is actually. Maybe he's not so bad after all...and I can live with fangs.


End file.
